the danger of all-or-nothing thinking

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i have to admit, i have a tendency to fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking from time to time.  the idea that something either has to be executed perfectly or you might as not well try at all.  does that ring any bells for you?  if you, too, are one of the many who find themselves thinking this way - i ate one cookie, might as well have 5 more - you know, inherently, the problems that arise when you see things in your world as either black or white.

for me, an area where i have been experiencing all-or-nothing trip-ups lately is with my business - CALM yoga.  i'm looking to build up my teaching experience, while also seeking to form a private client list.  for whatever reason, i find that reaching out to and networking with potential clients is always at the end of my to-do -- and too often i find myself with little time to devote to it.  and, then i catch myself thinking, "ugh, i only have 15 minutes -- that's not enough time to accomplish anything.  might as well move it to tomorrow's to-do list".  but, the thing is, if instead of stopping myself before i even begin, i could use those precious 15 minutes and put them to good use -- doing whatever i could to further and expand my business.  and, over time, all those 15 minutes would add up to hours and hours of good work.

i wouldn't consider myself a negative person, but the thought process i just outlined is a totally "glass half empty" way of thinking.  and that's not how i want to live my life.  i want to see opportunities and possibilities everywhere i look, not obstacles and challenges.  but, finding boundless good fortune in front of you starts with how you perceive your world on a day-to-day basis.  so instead of seeing 15 minutes as not enough time, i need (and want) to see it as the perfect amount of time to make a difference -- even if it is small.

black and white living leaves no room for flexibility, growth or change.  and it cuts possibilities off mid-sentence.  if you want to see this way of thinking evaporate from your life, it must start with mindfulness.  notice the internal dialogue you're playing in your head.  if you have a propensity to lean in the all-or-nothing direction, allow some logic to seep into the equation - isn't 15 minutes of working on your passion, exercising, meditating, or whatever it is for you better than 0 minutes?  i think so.

meditation for your journal or cushion:
where in your life do you notice all-or-nothing thought patterns?
what is a way you can handle it differently next time you find yourself thinking that way?

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the ONLY diet you should go on

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i am not a proponent of diets.  ‘nuff said.  but, with the risk of sounding contradictory, there is one diet that i think every single human on the planet could benefit from.  (drum roll please….)  the ‘diet’ of cutting out negative self-talk. 

listen to how you speak to yourself.  for most of us (for me, it was especially in my teen years), it’s often a steady barrage of negative thoughts and put-downs.  “ugh…you look soooo fat in that. / your hair is a frizzy mess today. / you think you can eat that?  it’s gonna go right to your stomach pooch!”  you women out there, can relate, i’m sure…which is kind of sad…

but that voice is not you– it’s talking “at you”, as if it’s a necessary commentator for your life.  for me, that voice is a mix of unreliable sources, like the media.  from reading magazines and watching tv, we learn that to be loved and adored, we have to be at least 5 foot 7 inches tall, 110 pounds, have gorgeous flowing locks and flawless skin.  i’m only 5 foot 5 – so according to this faulty belief system, i’m already failing!  that sucks!

purge yourself of your negative self-talk.  cut back on it as you would calories or carbs.  no amount of self-criticism will ever make you happier – has it worked yet?  so try something different.  if you see no results, and don’t feel any better, you can always go back to beating yourself up.

when a negative self-judgment pops into your head, notice it.  that’s the first step – just notice.  don’t judge because that’s a self-criticism, too!  (i know, it’s a tricky game to play, but it’s worth it!)  then just let it float away. 

if you’re feeling really bold, bring to mind something you like about yourself.  maybe your big beautiful eyes, your sense of humor, or your slender fingers that can play the piano (sort of).  even if it’s something small, it’s a start.  if you’re having a lot of trouble coming up with something, think back to compliments you’ve received from others – maybe you’re often acknowledged for your kindness, or your great smile, or your easy-going nature.  whatever it is, bring it to mind, and revel in the awesomeness that is you…even if it’s just for a few minutes.

for me, yoga has been key to eliminating my harsh self-talk.  yoga teaches you to accept all of your being - inside & out, mind, body and soul - just as it is now.  without forcing change, you're asked to become an observer of your body and mind, and then, from that place, you work to align the two with breath, movement and awareness.  pushing yourself to "change" with mean words and thoughts, only weakens you - you're pitting your mind against your body.  if you can, instead, work to combine the two, you have twice the power to affect positive change in yourself and your world.

as you crash diet your way out of negative self-talk, you may just notice that you feel a bit lighter in a way that has nothing to do with the number on the scale.

meditation prompt for your journal or cushion:
what are three things you like about your physical body?
what are three things you like about your personality?

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give yourself a break!

i don’t feel like doing anything.  the past week or so i’ve been suffering from a major lack of motivation.  my energy is waning, and i feel like i’m pushing myself to just get the bare minimum done, let alone all the other countless things that i could be working on.  my tendency when emotions like this crop up is to “power-through” to the best of my ability.  and when i inevitably crash, i beat myself up for not doing more…

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instead of surrendering to and accepting the feeling, i continue to bump up against it and fight it.  pushing it away, only to have it bombard me again moments later.  that, in and of itself, is exhausting.  i must admit, i’m not new to this cycle of events – when i was younger and dissatisfied with the size and shape of my body, i would diet and force my body into a battle against itself.  instead of trying to work with my hunger, i fought it.  and fighting, especially when it’s with yourself, takes you in circles.

my mom says “if you want to keep on gettin’ what your gettin’, keep on doin’ what you’re doin’” – i.e. if i want this lack-of-motivation spell to end, i have to change the way in which i’m dealing with it.  easier said than done…

but let’s give it a go, anyway.  so, with that thought in mind, what could i do differently to change my current reality?  well, instead of pushing myself to my limits, i could honor the fact that i might need a break, and…take a break!  (a novel concept, i know.)  or, instead of continually thinking, “what’s wrong with me?  why don’t i want to do anything?  why do i feel like things are at a standstill?”, i could work to silence that inner critic with a deep breathing and mindfulness.  and perhaps, in the quiet, motivation or a new idea or peace of mind could creep in.  and honestly, just writing this post is making me feel better, so i guess just writing about it – and sharing my feelings with others – is helpful, too.

as a culture, we’ve been taught to fight against unpleasant emotion, because we are a nation of doers not experiencers.  instead of surrendering to the feeling, and letting it wash over us like a wave that will eventually ebb, we prepare for battle, thinking if we set up enough barricades we can stop the wave in its tracks…which never happens.   what if, instead of always doing more we felt more.  and instead of judging our emotions and feelings, we got curious about them and tried to look at them in a more objective way.  perhaps, we would discover that they are not something to be fought, but rather a lesson waiting to be embraced. 

i feel better already….

meditation prompt for your journal or cushion:

what emotion do you continually fight?
what would it be like to just sit with it, without pushing it away?

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are you the best version of yourself?

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when i take the time to envision my best self, physically i don’t picture myself all that differently.  where the shift takes place is more so in my attitude towards myself and others.  my best self doesn’t obsess over the fact that she ate too much last night or replay the same frustrating moment again…and again…and again in her head.  she doesn’t impatiently follow people too closely in her car, and she doesn’t get annoyed at her husband for petty, insignificant reasons.

she’s self-possessed and calm.  and glows with an unearthly radiance that only comes with the true understanding that our world is what we make it, and nothing more.  her actions are purposeful and clear, and the base of all she does is love and compassion.

when i finish with a visualization like that, i feel refreshed and renewed.  the challenge is to keep that grounded feeling as you continue about your day, even when some jackassguy cuts you off when you’re driving.  notice your knee-jerk reaction.  just notice.  and if you don’t act on it (i.e. beep, curse, flip him the bird or whatever other creative thing you can think of), it will subside.  i promise.  and you can pat yourself on the back for reacting from your ‘best self’ – not the self that has a tendency to grit her teeth and mumble an obscenity under her breath.

deep down, we all long to be free from these baser instincts – that inner mean girl that tells you you’re fat or unattractive, the harsh critic who scoffs at your self-improvement attempts, the nasty lady who snaps at her husband.  that mean girl is not you.  and she is the only ‘person’ who truly deserves your fierceness.  so, next time the snotty lady stops by, tell her to take a hike.  then take a deep breath, and revel in your instantaneous (if momentary) transformation into the best version of yourself.
 
meditation prompt for your journal or cushion:
what does your best self look like?  act like?

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